Leaving

I'm leaving in a little less than two months.

I think from the outside it doesn't seem like a such a huge, overwhelming life change, but for me it is. Everything you know, your comfort zone, the comfort zone which has become my life which is Japan, is over.

It kind of sucks that my last few months are filled with thoughts of leaving. There are so many things I have to do. Part of these things are unique to living abroad but many of them are common to moving in general, like canceling utilities. Except I have to do everything in Japanese, which is always added stress. After over 6 months of willy-nillying and procrastinating, I finally gathered up the courage to make a dentist appointment over the phone. I have that appointment next week.

It's ajisai (hydrangea) season again. I'm glad I'm leaving in the summer.

There's a lot that I wanted to do that I didn't do, but just knowing me, no matter what I'd accomplished, no matter where I'd gone or what I'd done, I am certain that I would still be trailing an endless list of places-to-go and things-to-do behind me. It never ends for me. So as it is I am pretty happy with the traveling and doing I've done here. Not to quantify, but: approximately 31 of Japan's 47 prefectures, 4 outside countries (Taiwan, S. Korea, Thailand, Indonesia), a handful of road trips, a handful of hikes and mountains, and soon-to-be Mt. Fuji 2 times.

When I came there was nothing but excitement. I was escaping. I was running to a place of stillness, warmth, excitement, adventure, but most of all, simplicity. An artificially-contained world-within-a-world where things could be a little more simpler than before. I imagined hiking in the misty forest, visiting silent bamboo groves, watching passing uniformed high-schoolers on their bikes, the mechanic whirr of the train passing by. Of course, life was -life- so it was so much more complicated than that, but I have experienced all those moments and more. While a lot of living here wasn't as simple as I dreamt, there is still no denying that there is a sense of suspension about being here. It is transient. It is constantly new, even when it's not new, it still feels new. A road sign. A plant. An interaction. After two years small things still inspire and ground me.

I'm excited for many things coming back, one of which is taking the reins of the supposedly complicated life I left behind, and re-installing it into its new situation. Although I'm tempted to keep saying I'm going "back", there's not much "back" to be going to, and although I'll be in a place I'm physically familiar with, that's about where the similarities will end. I will be a new person, and it will shape who I am in this "old" place forevermore. I can't not be Japan-me. No matter where I am. For the rest of my life. I hope I can get my family and friends to understand that. I'm also excited that I've developed my own, new appreciation and nostalgia for Californian and American things. I guess you could call it a sense of identity. And a sense of gratitude. It took me being able to see my culture from a detached, distant perspective to understand it. I'm happy with it.

Time to enjoy the hydrangea, still mountain paths, road signs, and interactions for the new few months. B-)